Thursday, 16 March 2017

Dare to bare your emotions

A happening day today. 
A day that had its ups and down. Could be the hormones, could be that I am a sensitive person, could be that I take things personally and could be that I think way too much. But yes, a tiring and happening day that surprised me a bit actually. 
I am a woman with emotions, one who feels and most of all, lets herself be vulnerable to emotions. I am available, for my feelings, for my emotions and for myself. 
Like I mentioned, I started going to Yoga classes and the wise yogi told me that one must learn to love oneself to be capable enough to love someone else. I love myself and I take pride in it. I take care of myself. I take care of myself, admire my spirits, I spend money on myself, my upkeep and things and people that please me. However my husband tells me that I am bad at ( you see a teacher wouldn't use that b word, but he isn't one) being nice to myself- I let things get to me. 
So, stepping out of the previous paragraph where almost every sentence started with I, me, myself, I now want to move on to how things can get to me and have an immense effect on me. Being sad over things that shouldn't bother me is a quality that I possess, a personality streak that I want to fight so bad, it consumes that last molecule of energy out of my system. 
Today was one such day, I let it happen to me. Then I hit the gym after calling a friend who is my favorite sorrow pillow. I thought, reflected, got angry and even had a red nose exhibiting my emotions. I was done and was picked up my my husband (who like every single day in life stood by me in ups and down- ever since I met him). He stood there, even today, held my hand and assured me without words that his love for me was way above everything else. My daughter in the back seat of the car tried hiding the sushi and my favorite calorie bomb- Semla she bought to make it a special evening for me- she made a genuine effort. 
Less words than usual through the 10 minutes drive, we reached home and I opened the door to hear a 'Hey mamma' from my son. I took my shoes off and somehow suddenly it felt like I took my sadness off. I was now in an environment with love around me- with an acceptance for who I am. The person who is true to herself, who lets herself gets sad, get frustrated, get angry. Maybe that's what allows me to get happy, content and appreciative of all the good, most important people and situations in my life. 
As I am writing this, I am realizing how lucky, happy I feel in this moment. Thanks for those who love me, thanks to those who have problems with me- you make my life richer- helping me realize what to value most. 
Lesson learnt- Dare to feel.

Monday, 13 March 2017

Way too long

It's been way too long that I posted something. I missed it- the flow of thoughts on the blog. Many a times the situation and the lesson of life was so evident to be shared with everyone, but I got caught up. So here I am- reporting a mix of so many things that have happened lately.
Life is certainly a school and I am certainly a student.
So here is a more organized, in a nutshell life lessons:
1. A trip to Dublin with family, the four of us- beautiful place, kind people and a weather that is so diverse hour after hour, it makes you believe that things will get better. How important and acknowledging it was to realize that we didn't need our screens, that we actually had so much to talk about with each other, so much to share, so much to discuss- that we 4 actually, genuinely love each other, that we like each other's company.No, it is not obvious even if 2 of them literally came out of me and the 3rd one ...ehm ehm... I do not take love and respect for granted and I was so relieved that I was surrounded by it- from the 3 people in my life who mean the world to me. Make sure my friends to keep giving yourselves opportunities to get that feeling, create situations in life where you every once in a while can check if YOU need to do something for a betterment.

2. My son, soon 14 - came home 1 hour late from the promised time - 5 pm! Not the end of the world, but I got annoyed at the fact that he called up to 'tell' me than to 'ask'. Talk about being a tight ass! So from the moment he called to tell till he came- it was an hour. That hour made me so confused, I might have lost my physical balance. Am I being too strict, am I overanalyzing, am I forgetting where I come from, (the worry that I might have created during my teenage where we didn't have phones to call and report), what was most annoying in his late coming- should I ground him for a month or just next few hours???!! Like I have mentioned - not born a parent!
So, my boy arrived, came right in and gave me a hug after I opened the door and started walking without saying anything. His heart was beating really fast... I asked him i he was ok. He was ok- but he said he ran as fast as he could from the bus stop as he was worried that I'd be annoyed. He said he was sorry.
I think I need not say no more: It will be Indian take away today- his and mine absolute favorite. My husband and daughter have a different taste in food.
Lesson learned- Sometimes results come later than expected...

3. My work is going great! I love going to work and I feel like it is my second home. I have worked in this place for soon 8 years. We have a Friday Fika- look up the word Fika!
So this time it was my turn to bring in something to sweeten the Friday. I am proud to announce that after all these years, I baked a cheesecake to bring to work! This is my world is the ultimate acknowledgement that I love my work. I actually made an effort at work for something that had nothing to do with work- just to do with how I feel at work.
Thanks to my colleagues who like me, I like you too. Those who don't, I am happy that you exist and want to make me do my job better:)

4. Yoga- Yes, when an Indian (with a mom who explains the breathing technique on phone, sounding weird almost every time) actually starts paying to do the same, something must've happened. Me and my husband discovered Yoga and e were at or second private class yesterday. Fun, amazing and with a sore body today, we are still talking about how fun it was to do it together. Never too late to listen to your body and your soul- and your mom!

So, here you go- a few things. But there is so much more that I'd like to share. I realized that I like doing it, and I promise that I will.
Have a fantastic day!

Wednesday, 4 January 2017

Madam Bollywood and Homework

It's been a relaxed day. Watched some Indian talk show, drooled over the ugly rock that the Bollywood was wearing and I cannot agree more with the whole sour grapes theory... 
Later checked the Facebook! ( 'the' FB)
Read an article for the second time- written by a parent in Sweden who is mad about the whole thing with homework! I get it, there is this continuous, never ending thing about homework being good or bad... studies, resonating sessions, topic for teachers' meeting blah blah blah.

What managed to piss the s*'t out of me for the second time was the fact that a parent is fighting the fact that a parent is given the responsibility of a child's homework. Blame it on the span of socio economic differences in the Swedish society- yeah right! I come from India and hello! socio economic span is the same length as the diameter of the globe. Well ok, like they say- opinions are for free and we live in a democratic society and that everyone thus has a right to make an opinion. 
But that as a parent you think it is solely a teacher's responsibility to make sure that a child is educated as the parent might not have the same competence as the teacher- I just don't get it. 

So before all you who don't have kids loose interest in this post, back to madam Bollywood- She was actually far more intelligent than my judging her for the rock. On second thoughts, it takes an intelligent woman to convince her man to buy that size of the rock. 

This woman- Twinkle Khanna is a writer. She mentioned that  the primary reasons for a marriage is to have children, and therefore she did this elaborate genetic check on her boyfriend's family. 
And now back to Sweden, to the parent who despises homework. 
The reason of my hopping between Sweden's parent drama and madam Bollywood is the question WHY HAVE CHILDREN WHEN YOU CANNOT TAKE UP CHALLENGES? Seriously, homework with a child? Can it be that difficult that Mr Google cannot figure it out for a parent trying to spend time with the child and participate in their daily 'Job'? Personally I am all fine with and without homework- but do I think it is someone else's responsibility! NO.

Who told you that parenting is a walk in the park? Why do countries fight for rights of reconsidering pregnancies? Yes, to help people make a conscious decision if they are capable of taking up the beautiful yet not that easy responsibility of bringing up children. Don't parents do all they can to keep kids healthy? Do you have to be doctor for that? No! and one certainly does not have to be a psychologist to help a child through adolescence, a heart break, a failure. 
Reality is that we choose to have children- we need to man up to take up all that comes with it. We fail, unbelievable number of times, as there is no degree in parenting, no license- nothing. So be it- love your children and rest will work itself out. 
If you cannot find the answer to the homework on Google- ask the teacher, communicate- just like you go the doctor when your first aid did not help. 

Tuesday, 27 December 2016

Dear friends and family...

Dear family and friends... a combination often used to address to a post on social media, speeches made during special happenings and even while making a statement on a somewhat sadder note. It is kind of natural to say that. Made me wonder when I was posting a Christmas greeting with pictures of our family on Facebook- it is basically who we are surrounded with. But then I thought of all those who don't fit into these 2 categories. Hmm... which ones fit into that bracket? Let me see, neighbors who exist but don't, people who were friends once upon a time but not any longer, people I see but don't know personally, colleagues who annoy me but not just enough to be classified as enemies. 

And then who are friends? Now it is starting to sund like a 'quotation book' I maintained as a pre teen, full of emotions. The book had handwritten quotable quotes with deep definitions about friendship and love, trust and betrayal...
But never mind, I will do this little mind mapping for my own sake this time. It is after all Christmas holidays and I have time on me between organizing closets, not only mine- everyones! Don't get me going on my daughter's ability to unorganized things in a matter of an hour!

So, who are friends? After have lived for 40 years and having had a large or even huge group friends who attended all parties /celebrations,  to having to find that one friend who I could open up to- without having to filter my words and insecurities, I have come to realize that people who mean well are actually friends. That's all it takes. Mean well, have good intentions, don't have that sarcastic little ' I told you so' smirk when something went wrong. Staying in touch is not my criteria any longer. We all live quite a complicated life, maintain our schedules, check our calendars and do exactly the same things that we do all week long, at the same time. So finding time for pleasantries is not as easy as it sounds. 

Family on the other side, we are born into families, or married into one. Not much to sort out and choose there-right? Things go wrong within families, relationships go sour, even break. We dislike some, despise the others, adore some, wish we could operate brains on some etc etc... But they are related to us- like it or not. You may make announcement that the relationship is over- but you know it's not and it never will be. So why not just embrace the fact, let time take its toll and sleep over differences, wake up one day and realize that it is OK! It is after all family. 

Friends we choose, families we don't. That is the truth- at least for me. 

So dear family and friends- thanks for being there, and for the times you weren't there- maybe it was for the best. I want to wish you all a good year ahead, happiness and positivities. Talk shit about me, fine, that is purely your karma. I will do my share and I will either love you, or choose to put you on hold till I am ready. 

Thursday, 13 October 2016

For my husand

Did it sound too tacky? I would've possibly reacted the same way. Yeah yeah, you love each other, you are still in love, you have something what! Don't need to go loud about it, shouldn't it be private?
I understand all these thoughts that we all feel when we see those love photos, status on social media( FB is so dinosaur) I am one of those who gets sceptic about people posting their love statements.
But today, I will do it myself- LOUD and CLEAR.
I am in love with my husband. I love him to pieces. I am not going to boast about how many years we have spent together- been in situations where we were on top of our youth, not a single grey hair, six packs for him and an amazing metabolism for me- never gained a gram without having to do anything. We were romantic, every single minute, rushing home from work to be together. We were there announcing our love, engagement, wedding and pregnancies. We were there in hospitals sick, taking care of each other during sickness, we were disagreeing, having discussions- both pleasant and unpleasant, revealing things from past that we never would've thought we'd do, talking, listening, dancing, drinking, throwing up, waking, sleeping, holding hands, wiping tears and drools and snots when we lost our respective dads, we were there at parents' meetings, at family meetings, trying and testing the loyalties. I can go on and on, like many of you.
My love for you Martin is not unusual to the world, but it is unusual to me.
I have no words, but I have many. If I am doing this completely controversial public display of love, it is barely because the love I feel for you is uncontainable. I love you and I feel no embarrassment in saying this out loud.
I realize this regularly. I love you always but realize it now and then. And I really believe that I want to tell this to you, through this social media- because I can, because I will and because I am proud of having a man like you in my life.
I know a lot of you can relate to this, there is love in your lives too. Say it, all it and it will grow. Isn't that law of attraction?
Saying I LOVE YOU Martin is summarizing it. And today is just any day in our lives.

Sunday, 9 October 2016

The Parenting School

So, is there a school for parents? Do I wish there was?
I remember with my son, who is now 13 years, I bought a couple of books, believe it or not- even Dr. Spoke's. I never read them though, maybe scanned through a chapter or two. My parenting career is now 13 years long. How am I doing it? I really don't know. But one thing for sure, we get a lot of remarks about how well brought up our children are. and we go like, ' really, Thanks, we don't know how that happened?' Some people are just generally bad at taking credit for things. 
I will sound a bit philosophical now and of course this is purely my opinion. 
How often don't we refer to our childhood, or parents- good or bad. How often don't we get the feeling that we are turning into our own parents,. Parents, who we disagreed with while they were parenting us. They implanted the values so deep that we did not realize that they were growing upon us. There were times I felt that I wished they had done things in another way. and I take that thought with me and try not to do the same with my kids. Our childhood shapes us so intensely.

It is no theory really. All I am saying is that there is no parenting school. Parenting is an experience. The more you do it, the better you get. Actually, you cannot guarantee even that. 
I tell my children that I wasn't born a parent. I wanted to be a parent and I am so happy that life gave me an opportunity to do so. I feel so rich, it is so exciting, so soul calming. I even don't have a problem when it isn't that rewarding. They are my children after all. I am always there for them-always. 
I take no shame telling my children that I too need to be taught how to be a parent. And that they can actually teach me at times. I tell them that we are not friends, we have a relationship based on love and respect but if  come out every now and then as an annoying, non understanding kind of person at times, that is ok for me too. I tell my son, who is the older kid that he will possibly experience my mistakes as a parent more- the first time thing. He is after all the guinea pig.
Parenting is a job, a hobby, a creative streak that we just do all the time. Don't confuse it with JUST bringing up your children. Parenting for me is a part of life- I love every moment of it. The frustration of some failures just want me to get better the very next moment. 
I am sorry kids if I am not a perfect parent all the time. But I am me and I don't think that any book could have taught me better- because you are unique. I love you both to pieces and that is what parenting means to me. 

Sunday, 28 August 2016

Me and my laundry room

The buckets were filling up, the clothes and everything in them, like the odd shoe, the Egyptian belly dance belt, reflex from jackets and what not, were starting to become like stuff from a memory box that moms collect for their children to grow up and savour. I am talking about the laundry room in the house. I looked at these different storage baskets, buckets, boxes, all bought at different points of time   with a purpose of organizing. In my head, I scheduled a serious meeting with the laundry room and it just never happened. Me and he had kind of given up on each other. We knew we had each other, we knew that we will settle it one day. We knew we were not leaving each other for the mess. We knew that what he ( laundry room- just to be clear, in case you starting doubting my relationship with my husband) had stored it all as I wanted him to, and he was now waiting for me to take that initiative. 

So, I woke up after a strange night where my ghosts had caught up with me at oddest hours of the night. I woke up telling myself that from now on, I am not going to let people get to me. I know that if you have read my previous blogs, I might just be contradicting myself. It's easy said than done. 
I had a sickly frustrating week at work. I felt lost, I had one melt down that ended up in tears and I felt that the world was against me. Then I spoke this friend- for a good hour and a half. Our gurus are around us and she told me something that I registered. This morning I processed it. I decided what is it that could and would make me sad and upset. My work is definitely not that powerful. I will apply it from now on. 

So, went to my laundry room, with 2 black garbage bags. Thew a lot of shit, a lot of love, a lot of memories that I can always recreate, memories that didn't mean so much any longer. I hate to say it that I even disposed stuff I had fondly saved to pass on to friends with young children. I am an environmental criminal but I needed to take care of my relationship. I needed to take care of myself- I needed to sort it out. 
I am positive, the laundry room looks clean, the scented candle has been lit, the wine box has been empties, the other boxes can now be duly shut with lids sitting tight on them. It looks organized and it makes me happy. 

The mess will be created again I know. Memories will be collected, disappointments will take place. But right now- I am satisfied and I am promising myself to take care of myself, him and us. 

Have a fantastic day and chose your enemies. Who has the power to be your enemy? Really.