Saturday 30 July 2016

The Black Book- mix it and fix it

Easy said than done. 
I may sit and give those lessons of life, the newly learned ones, but it is easy said than done. 

Sitting in the summer cottage gives me a lot of time to think and rethink and then rethink the rethinking. My brain is like this food blender. I love making soups, think they are healthy and if you blend everything in a blender, you don't get to see the lumps of onions, the stubs of cauliflower and the colors of the veggies that you otherwise despise. the result is a healthy, smooth and tasty and not to forget, the nutritious soup. 
What if I don't blend it though, yes it might be hard to eat it, to enjoy the taste of all those healthy ingredients that are now too obviously there. 

M tells me I have this little Black Book. The book that keeps an account on what gifts my children received on their first Christmas, and not only that, what gifts they gave away to those people, an account of the taunting and subtle remarks made by this friend about the new job, was she actually happy or was she jealous? The account of who offered to drop us back home that evening, who didn't compliment the new interiors, the little misunderstandings that happened and who took the first step into making up. The book goes far back into history, I just have that kind of memory. There have been times where things mattered a lot and I lost sleep. There have been times where even though I said it was all ok and let's move on, I forgot to erase it off the book. 

So this one time, I had referred to the Black Book just before visiting this person. Oh man, this person did not have a good record in the Black Book. Boy was he in trouble! The journey to the place was an hour and a half long. Throughout the journey, I kept slowly munching M's brain, piece by piece, molecule by molecule. I would think, pause, comment, feel sorry for myself, feel grand about myself for still visiting him and ended each such sequence with a -"Well, I'd like to move on and forget things". 
M should get a Bravery award since there is no such award for immense patience. I am quite a pain- I know it. 
Journey was horrible! The air inside me just kept getting more and more polluted. ( not the farty way)
I could feel how tears were building up. I knew how wrong I was and how F##ked up it all sounded, but I COULD JUST NOT STOP THINKING! Like a beehive in me. 
We arrived. The person came out to receive us with the most genuine smile. I would have loved to overanalyze it but it was so genuine, I just could not. I gave in my best behavior and things were smooth. Just like the soup. 
I don't know if women do think more than men. But today I am making a lentils soup. It looks quite disgusting right now in its crude form but I am waiting for it to cool down so I can blend it. I am more that confident that it is going to taste really well. I would like to make life smoother, blend it all and make it smooth. 
I will certainly try to bring this with me and carry it to my busy life in Stockholm. I will try to erase some chapters from My Black Book. I am not going to stop having it since I am a human being, a woman who likes to keep accounts, but I will definitely do myself a favor and lighten it a bit. 

M if you are reading this, big thanks for holding up. You are my absolute best friend, my lover, my guide and I just want to thank you for being my life partner. And if you are not reading this, you will make an entry in my Black Book!
Mood- Happy, philosophical
Lesson to myself- Mix it and fix it!

Love-
N

Thursday 28 July 2016

The emotional hero

At Åland- family's summer place. 

My husband M has spent 43 summers here and ever since I came into the family, I think I have spent at least 10. 
So here I am for a long weekend again. The journey to the island takes around 5 hours, 2 hours of driving through the calm and narrow lanes, beautiful, picturesque and peaceful. Followed by 2 hours in the ferry from Swedish border to Finland's. The ferry is typical, slightly to extremely intoxicated men and women, perfumed women who tested well, quite some perfume at the tax free and yes, they usually have the tax free necklaces around their neck, bling, bling and a general holiday air.
It is a charming experience. After the little drive we take our boat to this family owned island called Skråbjörkö- (google it). The boat ride is serene, completely silent- just sounds of water, birds and the boat. 
My father in law passed away a couple of years back. Sten. At the shore just below the house, we have placed a stone with his name, as a memorial. 
It is impossible not to miss him when one is here. I always tell people that as long as we accept that no one can take place of your own father, mother, daughter or son, all relationships can work. Sten was as close as anyone could get to being my father, actually the one and only person. I have great respect for many other father figures in my life but no one can beat Sten!
(Not just saying it to impress my MIL- she is not into blogs and all)

I loved him. He was clearly an emotional man. I often think of his happy face in the midst of the tears of joy, his sad look during the movies, during tv programmes. I remember the time my father passed away and Sten would drive us to the airport. Guess who had tears in eyes- like genuine ones, not the "I must squeeze out some right now!" ones. Yes, Sten. 
This evening I also saw the love in the eyes of M and his cousin from New Zealand, the one he hadn't met in 4 years. They did not need to pour out- 'I love you's and 'Missed you' kind of phrases, it was evidently visible in their eyes. They stared for the appropriate 20 seconds at each other, smiled a bit, nodded the head to each other like a slight 17 degrees, kind of saying- hey brother! I love you, I missed you. If the observer in me had not stared at them right in their faces, that hard, maybe they could or would have expressed their love a bit more. 

Where am I getting at with this? Yes, emotions, and exhibiting them. It is and art. We usually blame the society for bringing up girls to be able to cry and be sad and boys not to. But I have really started wondering if it is all a matter of balance. If there are a man and a woman, they take turns to be strong. They choose to let go or not. It's like- you can be sad this time, I will take care of you, but next time or next 5 years, it's my turn. Or parents and children taking turns- you know how parents become the children at times?
Sten was a tough pilot all his professional life, had been a member of the caterpillar club, seen a lot of ups and downs, and it was now, after many years he could let go- just my theory. 
My father, exactly the same. My mom got stronger every passing day after my father got sick and she had to take over. 
My question to my own self and you- Is showing emotions a weakness or strength? 
I think that the ability to cry while watching Matrix is strength. To be able to say 'I love you', 'I am sorry', 'I am hurt', 'I am scared', 'I don't know'- strength all the way!
There has to be a physical explanation to why our mouth breaks into a smile, why eyes form tears, why lips loop downwards, why eyebrows rise, why the nose gets red. Our body must be designed in a way so it can cope with the variety of emotions the are meant to be experienced. 
Imagine just embracing, accepting these emotions and not having to judge every situation. To judge whether or not it would be appropriate to show the emotion one is experiencing in the moment. I have a strong feeling that it would make life easier. It will help us get to know ourselves better. We fight the world everyday, meet challenges, the certain, the uncertain- how about not having to fight ones own self?

Give it a shot- I will. 

Wednesday 27 July 2016

From pissed to kissed


It is about discovering, and in my case there is somehow a big interest of discovering the art of shopping. I just love it. As materialistic as it may sound, I love it. Over a period, I have proudly moved from shopping for the sake of it to window shopping and buying good stuff we really need. When I say 'we', I literally mean it. No one in this family of four enjoys it or does it. So I have to take the burden of being the stuff provider solely! Except for the techs- where Mr M ( my husband) is the boss.
You know he is one of those who study the techs to a micro level, where to buy, what's good, what's not, compatibility and I cannot even explain because I don't know the technical language. Don't even get me going on my frustrating battles with the new insanely modern remote controls- the one for everything types! Tears, sweat and sometimes it takes so long that even the urge to urinate develops under that time period.
So, it was Mr M's and Mrs N's time to get a new Mac Book home. Well studied about the tech, Mr M and me made our way to this store called Media Markt. While he tried getting me involved in the details, I was satisfied with the look, the beautiful slim body ( can we order one for ourselves?) and hey! I cannot come up with any other criteria of importance to me.
And then came this sales guy on a wheel chair. I have a great respect and appreciation for people in wheel chair who lead a normal life. My father was unfortunately on wheel chair during the last years of his life and he did not have that spirit. So I have an exceptional respect for those who do. An observer as I described myself, I loved the way he spoke, short and precise. But gradually in a short span of 5 minutes his tone started annoying me- like they say in Swedish- dumförklarar! Condescension towards M, making him feel like an idiot basically. You know that rolling of the eyes, trying to exhibit how hard it is trying to have patience, a r t i c u l a t i n g...
The best part being, he was not even right. Please don't ask me what it as, but something about i cloud, sharing, something rather.
The lost drop came when he told M to take care of his own job and let him do his! Yes, you read it right! Service mindedness people! The wheel chair respect, the everyone is an individual theory was tossed out of my system in a second.
I am sorry, if you are bitter, stay home. If you find a decent and curious customer annoying, go sit behind a wall to work where people don't have to deal with you. The Indian in me was boiling and in my mind I visualised the scenario where people were dragging me out from the store for misconduct. Mr M is a very calm person. He noticed my open mouth from the corner of his eyes and told this guy, " Thanks for your help, have a great day!"
Mood swing- From PISSED to calm
Lesson learnt- Count till 10. Don't let anyone get the pleasure of bringing out the worst in you.

After a dialogue exchange with M in the car, my temper cooled down. Bought Mac Book Air from another store and got back home. ( I had to look at the screen to see what I bought- that's how technical I am.)
Home, kitchen, holiday, energy to follow a recipe that is described in 20 steps than 5, chilly chicken with glass noodles and then a white mud cake.
Mood- Love, happiness in small things in life
Lesson learnt- Forget what's not worth remembering- you decide what the worth of each memory of life is.
The night ended with me learning how to use the lap top, few episodes of Modern Family and quite a few kisses from the ones who mean most to me.
So next time  that colleague of yours does that little annoying thing, don't let it get to you. Give back the subtle but strong slap of your elegant composure. Ask yourself the kind of Loreal question- is it worth it?

Cheers!



Tuesday 26 July 2016

Wise Woman


After a somewhat pleasant talk with my mother on a long distance call,( that still exists btw) I literally got stamped as a 'wise woman'. Trust me, at times it is impossible to convince your mother that you understand the ways of the world. 


I am a 40 year old woman, with a teenager and a soon to be a teenager as my children,  a wise 44 year old husband, who btw I get along extremely well with, a teacher's degree which is treating me fairly well I must say and a whole bunch of friends, and by that I mean a handfull of sincere friends I can truly trust. I have this one habit of thinking, reflecting and finding a bit of knowledge, a bit of humour and a bit of irony in things around me. I am an observer, on trains, on streets, at social gatherings, at home and even at unconventional places like cinema halls! sometimes I make it too obvious through by weird stares, women in general can even misinterpret that I am hitting on them, men on the other hand hopefully enjoy it and my acquaintaces usually give me a somewhat uncomfortable smile to break the weirdness of the situation. But I cannot stop observing. Come on! Just look around you, people, places, situations, relationships, the known, the unknown, the predictable, the unpredictable... there is so much to it.


Yes, I am an observer and now finally I decided to share my everyday with you. During the 'wise woman' conversation with my mother I suggested that she should write her experiences of life and leave it for me and my sister so we could benefit from them. I am still a person who learns best from failures and personal  experiences and therefore I think life is a school. Have you ever had a feeling when the bell of 'yes, they told me so' rang so loud that it was almost painful! (...The college friend my mom hated, and when she stole the last bucks from my purse not once but thrice! )


Through this blog I am hoping not only to bestow my newly stamped wisdom on you, but also to make you laugh a bit, make you think and make you look at things from some perspective, maybe not yours, but some perspective. I would love to share my everyday joys, a successful recipe, a failed attempt to use my sewing machine trying to create something that looked so simple on the catalogue, my general frustrations over petty things like the over pedagogic mom on the bus or my perfect workout that forced me to have an ice crean sundae! 


Life is a school, and I am not saying that you need to put the learning hat on at all times, but my advice is to keep some senses open, listen to all, do what you want. Have an open frame of mind and don't think that you know it all, it is a lot of fun to be able to think differently. Life is also a playground in the school, where one takes a break and plays around a bit, takes the little risks and gives one energy to go back to the student's bench and at least try to learn. 

much love!