Me and my laundry room

The buckets were filling up, the clothes and everything in them, like the odd shoe, the Egyptian belly dance belt, reflex from jackets and what not, were starting to become like stuff from a memory box that moms collect for their children to grow up and savour. I am talking about the laundry room in the house. I looked at these different storage baskets, buckets, boxes, all bought at different points of time   with a purpose of organizing. In my head, I scheduled a serious meeting with the laundry room and it just never happened. Me and he had kind of given up on each other. We knew we had each other, we knew that we will settle it one day. We knew we were not leaving each other for the mess. We knew that what he ( laundry room- just to be clear, in case you starting doubting my relationship with my husband) had stored it all as I wanted him to, and he was now waiting for me to take that initiative. 

So, I woke up after a strange night where my ghosts had caught up with me at oddest hours of the night. I woke up telling myself that from now on, I am not going to let people get to me. I know that if you have read my previous blogs, I might just be contradicting myself. It's easy said than done. 
I had a sickly frustrating week at work. I felt lost, I had one melt down that ended up in tears and I felt that the world was against me. Then I spoke this friend- for a good hour and a half. Our gurus are around us and she told me something that I registered. This morning I processed it. I decided what is it that could and would make me sad and upset. My work is definitely not that powerful. I will apply it from now on. 

So, went to my laundry room, with 2 black garbage bags. Thew a lot of shit, a lot of love, a lot of memories that I can always recreate, memories that didn't mean so much any longer. I hate to say it that I even disposed stuff I had fondly saved to pass on to friends with young children. I am an environmental criminal but I needed to take care of my relationship. I needed to take care of myself- I needed to sort it out. 
I am positive, the laundry room looks clean, the scented candle has been lit, the wine box has been empties, the other boxes can now be duly shut with lids sitting tight on them. It looks organized and it makes me happy. 

The mess will be created again I know. Memories will be collected, disappointments will take place. But right now- I am satisfied and I am promising myself to take care of myself, him and us. 

Have a fantastic day and chose your enemies. Who has the power to be your enemy? Really.

Love

Three little words- Say it now

As a teacher you sometimes surprise yourself. We are just any human beings, like other professionals we also get an education, a degree and then we are thrown into the world of children, students and are expected to teach them and in many cases even bring them up. I work with young kids and there is a lot of bringing up involved in my kind of work. Conflicts is an everyday situation. I remember telling this cheeky little fella something tat surprised me once- I realized how smart I was, how the Guru in me was not only my profession, but I had IT! I pictured myself sitting in front of an ocean of answer-seeking adults and guiding them through their troubles towards a life changing solution. So back to the cheeky fella who with his beautiful eyes and thick eyelashes convinces you by throwing in a sorry. I told him this- Once the words come out of your mouth, you cannot put them back in, you cannot regret enough the damage your words do. Your words can and will be quoted- in your favor or against you. So don't put yourself in that position where you have to say sorry for what you say. If you say something harshly true, because you genuinely meant it, stand for it. You are entitled to change your opinion but don't verbalize your opinions in a way that you would regret later. 

So this post is about words. Our words, that we formulate, that we compose, words that can make or break, words that can do magic, words that can make someone fall in love with you, words that will touch someone so deep that they will quote on their death bed. I sound so sadistic but I have been part of it. 
My father was a man of very few words- like very few. He was very good at expressing his dismay, love and respect, but words were not his thing. Just thinking of him makes me want to cry, I love him so much. He passed away ill. When they called me from the hospital once, he was feeling better and as awkward as those calls can get, it was nice to hear from him, he was speaking. 
Next day, he called me up and my heart skipped a beat. What made him call? He started with an awkward opening line and then abruptly threw in ' I love you beta'- beta meaning son/daughter. Now, this is India in 2008. I love you was not the most common way of father expressing love, actually quite unconventional. 
Till today, that is what I remember when I think of him. 
My daughter had a headache after an intense second day at school- runs in the family I guess. I gave her a head massage, made her a cup of tea, talked her out of it and she felt better. She came to me abruptly later on and told me' Mamma, thanks for what you did for me, it really did help, You are so kind to me'. Made my day, suddenly made me feel good about myself. 
Spoke to a colleague whom I call brother from another mother. Yes, as bitchy as I sound about work sometimes, I have some goodies around me too... we said nice things to each other. Felt so good again. 
Yes, the bad things I have heard and been told make their mark too, but I can really live on memories that some kind words and sweet expressions.
I love you is one such thing. Say it today, I am sure you all love someone, I am positive you all feel it for someone. Why wait? Say it daily! Say something nice to someone on an everyday basis.
Who knows which of your nice words would become someone's nutrition for the soul.
I am thankful for the nice words I have been told, for the love I have received- today.
Good night! and SAY IT

Brothers' day, relationships by choice

So, today was the first day back to reality. New students, new parents, new work team, full action and at around 15.45 I had the same feeling as one usually has after being on a roller coaster ride. Full of adrenaline, pumped with energy in one instance and totally drained out a moment after. I felt like screaming out loud in frustration, felt like telling people exactly what was on my mind, but the civil sense in me stopped me. I guess that is what professionalism means. However the professional me knew when to stop and leave to get home. After short talks with my lovely children and Martin and the tele sales guy who almost sold me washing powder for 500 washes- a whole 12 kg, I realized how I had told these people after a good talk of one minute, very abruptly, that I needed to go. The mobile free zone sign in my face and all the sudden reminders of things to do just made me that kind of nonchalant person.
The walk to the subway was not very pleasant either. For some reasons the shoes were hurting, not even new shoes, but it was just that kind of a day. It was raining and my umbrella that I remembered to bring with me to work was forgotten on the second floor and I had no energy to go get it- blamed myself for that one!
On the way in the train, I checked the whatsapp group chat. The group is called Siddharth's wedding bonanza- where we cousins chat about the wedding in November. It is all about jokes made about pressure of getting in shape, serious fashion advice, song choice for performing dances etc. It is Rakhi today. Rakhi is basically brothers' day. Yes, the gender police will arrest me and put me in for life time, but it is Brothers' day. Sisters tie a band on their brothers' wrist and wish for their prosperity and brothers make a promise to stand by their side.

I am no feminist, I do not accept girls and women treated inferior in any slight way, but I am not a feminist. I am fine being a woman and called the fairer sex, the 'Ladies first' kind of men are charming, I am bringing up my son to hold my bag, carry the food shopping, I am fine passing certain chores that I have no flair for- the gardening, the tyre changing etc. I love the festival- I would love my son to stand up for my daughter and for my daughter to reciprocate.
So I wished all my brothers on Rakhi on this group, headed home and performed the ceremony with kids. We headed further to my cousin's home and carried on the tradition with her absolutely gorgeous 7 month baby girl who had this little ceremony with my son.
I have heard and said that we can choose friends but not families. True, but don't we all have at least one experience in life where we did make the choice with the family too? Where we decided that we will break up a blood relationship or at least got to a point where we gradually minimized the bond?
So in this era, it is coming down to the choice. It is all about relationships and all relationships can be controlled and steered to a make or break point. The realization that I am a part of this group is by choice made me feel proud.
Today's happenings made me feel that I am strong. My professional day's disappointments were not important enough to break me. My whatsapp group of cousins however had the strength to turn my 'kind of' tough day into a really lovely one. One where I had the most ridiculous smile for hours, watching this angel of a baby eat her mashed meat sauce, make funny faces, cry, and finally sleep. Thank you Celina, my Sallo! Thank you Naima and Leopold and I hope that you will be the best siblings one ever can be.
I am now hitting the bed with no remorse, just a satisfied smile.
Happy Rakhi everyone:) Tomorrow is another day.

Me Time?

Listening to Bossa Marley, just ironed a ton of clothes and then the thought struck me. Bossa Marley, not an appreciated choice of music at home and ironing clothes is an old habit. Is there anyone else who irons towels and underwear?

This Friday I was meant to be ground support for Brothers Westberg at the summer house. They were to repair the roof and I were to be inspiring, cheer them, serve chilled beer and make some food that would reenergize them. That is totally my interpretation, a volunteer work and a perfect weekend. Came home after work with the migraine just conceived and in a matter of an hour, my head was in labour pain, the vomits were building up and I managed to throw up the first time in presence of Martin- first one of the nine. All of you who have migraine know exactly what I am talking about and those of you who don't might think I am exaggerating, but I have no reasons. 
My staying back had nothing to do with a secret affair or My Time- it was as genuine as it gets. Usually I am a fighter, throw myself in, but this one time, the idea of 2 hours cruise with people sympathizing over a drunk throwing up wife just was not meant to be.

So Friday night, me and my cat Lexie, who btw took great care of me, just managed a few hours of sleep. Lexie likes to keep her distance from me usually and this night she slept 20 cm from me.

Saturday was a  long phone talk with this person I love, ( a woman and no secret affairs). Perfect timing- she was home alone, me too and we talked for at least 3 hours. A cousin called up later and voila! we decided to go to Hamam- just like that. It was like meant to be, she felt for it, my migraine hangover couldn't have asked for more and the place had a slot. So, spa, lunch and home alone- again. Episodes of Modern Family, then some Bollywood film. No dinner- I guess Mr Migraine did not want to be left completely alone. Great sleep, Lexie moved 1 meter away after making a diagnosis that I was better now and decent distance can be maintained. 


Woke up, another uninterrupted Bolly film. I don't know why but I can feel quite guilty watching these films when the rest of the non Hindi speaking family is around- like I am taking their time away from them. The best was to be able to cry without Martin making the 'awwww' sound when he sees my red nose, and tears refusing to flow.

All this time I kept talking to the kids, son is off in a town I haven't learnt the name of for a tournament. I kept talking to Martin who was worried, a bit guilty, happy, in pain from the hard labour! Yeah, tell me about it. 

They are all on their way home now and I am pepped up. I just was told by a friend whom I shared my weekend story with that I got some me time. I never liked that expression when I read about it and heard everyone talking about it. Like, being a mom, wife, employee, friend is a job and not  ' me'. I am Me and I do whatever I want, I do what is expected of me but it is at the end of the day my limbs controlled by my nervous system that do the chores. There is no boss over me making me do what I do! 
I have 'Me time' 24 hours in the day. And I am 'me'. I loved the spa, loved the films and loved sleeping in the middle of the bed. But I am right now loving the fact that I am living with people, under a life situation where I can be 'Me'. So here I am, waiting for the parts of me to get back.

Question- Are you yourself or  have you or have you not acknowledged it yet?
Mood- happy, love where I am
Lesson- Acknowledgement of choices in life

Work anxiety- my puppets, my dance

Sitting in a haze. After a good long 7 week summer holiday, work is finally starting. It went so fast, we all think that and then we start arranging our bags for the next day. Try finding the work keys, the laptop, old fashioned calendar, slippers to work in, the train ticket... and frankly I am in such a haze that I cannot figure out anything!!!!
Aghhhhh do I have to? Really, can I not be on a holiday forever? Can the bills not be paid automatically, I mean using someone else's money? And then I suddenly remember the ....eh! who am I fooling now? I love my job, I do- really. And I always end up loving going to work after a couple of days. I think one is lucky if one can feel this way. So I am going to lift the Royal butt and pluck those eyebrows, thread the slightly growing mustache, hit the gym and try to get my act together. 
Work is important, something that is yours, that keeps you stimulated and keeps you going. 
Even though every time I scratch the lottery ticket, I tell myself the future plans in a matter of 30 seconds- it usually starts with how quick I would quit my work, then gets down to working part time and finally to I would save and work for financing a lot of holidays. 
Strange enough I never settle down at not working at all. 

I remember how as a stay home mom for a year and a couple of months with both kids, I started climbing walls. I waited for Martin to get home, ready with an evening snack and with a list of self pity stuff, sometimes a list of gossips, sometimes disappointments. How my life became quite confided and I missed talking about work, studies and as pretentious as it sounds, intellectual stuff. I know a  lot of moms don't feel that way, kudos to you, but that was me- I love my kids but I love myself too. I would always priorities them over me but I needed my stimulation so bad!

So as I am writing this, suddenly the list of things to do at work is striking me. Am I overwhelmed? No, I feel I need to get there and do what I am good at, and things I need to get better at. 
It is about that balance. It's your family, friends, your work and your interests. It  is got to get unbalanced at times,and that is the charm of everyday life! As long as we know that it is we holding the puppets and that we have the authority of making them dance the way we want. 
So dear friends, one trick is to take your smart phone and create an album for yourself. Some favorite pictures from the holidays, some things you love, your kids, your pet, your love, your newly renovated bedroom, something you succeeded big time in cooking etc... While the anxiety hits you on your way to work, go through the album and try feeling happy for all you did, all you can do and all that is already planned and your loved ones you will go home to at the end of the day. Just get there and do it!

Next step for me is to dig in the work wardrobe and find something appropriate to wear that fits the holiday body.  I have practically lived in lounge wear this summer. 
Promise to myself- it's not over yet, the weekend is round the corner. 

Have a good day, whether at work or holidaying... take charge of your puppets and enjoy the day. 
Good luck and much love:)

Keeping it personal fb- Black Book follows.

And here I am- kind of disappointed and with heavy heart. 

Let me start- my daughter's birthday party was just great! Usually when we sum up a party that we have thrown after the last guests have left and we could burp or fart out loud, we evaluate the party by saying how great the food was, how there were hardly or no left overs, how intoxicated people got or basically, how some uptight people could let go and enjoy themselves. But yesterday, after the tea party with very few, very important guests ( no VIPs, just people who meant a  lot to our daughter, her strict guest list being followed) we evaluated the party on one and only criteria of how happy she was. How genuinely happy! I could not let go of the other criteria like- my first shot at cake pops was extraordinary, the cake turned out to be as expected and so on...

Before it starts sounding like a ego booster to myself, I just want to tell you all, the day after story. 
I did not put up on Facebook that it was my child's birthday. I did not go out with the  'I am so proud', 'you have turned into a beautiful girl' quotes. I am so sorry if you take it personally, I have done that myself too. I have checked basically like an idiot how many likes my post got, how many of my 498 Fb friends wished her etc. And it was an ego trip of some kinds at that time. I still do it, I love Fb, don't get me wrong. I got in touch with my 32 cousins' many children, their partners, I know more about my extended family now than I ever it. 
I am not a clean soul myself. The holy book about Fb ethics is quite convenient to modern life style. 
( Is modern too much of an old fashioned word maybe?) You like, you have shown your appreciation in a fraction of a second. You haven't, means you are jealous. You blocked someone or 'unfollowed' someone, you go around feeling proud about your strong character, you send an emoji with kisses, you save yourself the trouble of writing and formulating a whole 5 word sentence! You tag someone who is not on a picture, you prove how much you missed him OR did you? Oh my god! No, no OMGs in my case- I like it old fashioned. This Fb love is too getting complicated and I am wondering if I need to go through some detox. 

But this time, this year, I had decided not to remind anyone of my 2 big days in a year- namely the birthdays of my children. I am like a dangerous tiger mom when it comes to my kids- NO SHIT SHERLOCK!
So what happens, I get disappointed for the 2nd time in one year by quite a few. I really do not expect much from people. I actually don't. I do get disappointed though. But like I said in an earlier blog, about the black book, remember?  The goal is to erase things. And I will do that, but I have all rights to be a bit sad, a bit disappointed- right!

So, here I am disappointed when I started writing, and now its over. The sadness, the feeling of being forgotten is gone past. I am not aiming for revenge, I am not making an account in the Black Book. 
I am right here, right now relishing the look on Naima's face ( my daughter I mean) who is still on cloud nine about her birthday presents. Wearing the new jeans that she got from her god mother, a top by her aunt, carrying her phone everywhere given by her dad, a mobile case by her bestie and a cordless mobile charger in the shape of a poopy figure by her brother- don't even ask.  She is all excited, happy and thankful for her party. 
This is what I will bring with me for the rest of the day. 

Why does this have something with just you to do? Yes, it has. I have been a woman who could give people silent treatment for days! I impressed my own self with how much I could sulk over things that were so petty that I felt like a little person- out got to be little to think little! I could get so deep into the bottom of things that I could forget what the actual issue was. 
And now, I have decided to do it in another way. If I can, believe me, anyone can. You can! Another thing I will keep in mind of this experience, I will get better at making an extra effort, a personal eye to eye, voice to voice effort to keep my relationships personal. I will make more calls and talk to my people. I actually do that already, ask my burning hot mobile phone. I hope you will have time to respond to my call or calls from your loved ones too. and here's one, why not just call someone up right now and ask how they are? 

Mood- from a heart wrenching, tear forming disappointment to 'Come on kids, lets go for a picnic' spirit.
Lesson- It's in YOUR mind- would you keep it there?

My mood, my decision

Woke up at 7.00. It is impossible to forget your child's birthday and even if you have a not so great memory, they would not let you forget it. As a matter of fact, the countdown started a month ago. 
So it's going to be a tea party tomorrow. I have stepped down from lunch and dinner parties- age is catching up, but spirits aren't. 

I started baking, in the middle of my sleep. Some 50 cookies etc. Baking is known to be a therapeutical activity. I think it is the stimulation of the senses that makes it one of those 'peace giving' hobbies. I can compare it to a workout in the gym, as ironic as it sounds. In my case something that gives me peace often starts with it giving me a fair bit of stress. I start with acknowledging unpleasanteries and then watch the process gradually getting churned into a 'not so bad' phase and finally the 'life is good' and some days even, 'wow! hasn't been better'. You would laugh if you saw me walk out of the gym like a Jane Fonda's avatar with a huge halo of the sweet smell of accomplishment! Only I can see it, others just find me ridiculous wearing my workout gear and struggling with the ice cream melting on my hands- clumsy!

During the baking process, I went through a few thoughts, some from past, some of the present and some of the future and hold it... some from my grandchildren's future. Mind you, it's a 11 year old we will be celebrating tomorrow. That's basically how far my thoughts can travel. (I already know how all my jewelry will be distributed between my daughter and son.)

In case you haven't noticed, it is always a bit easier to manage the positivities than negativities. I have read Rhonda Byrne's books and strive after positive thinking, magical changes and gratitude. But, I AM A HUMAN BEING! I cannot help think negative, worry and stress. I have to just accept it and write my own edition of positive thinking. The one that suits me, one that is tailor- made for me and my personality. Worries and stress are nothing that can be shrugged away with a fly smasher. I believe that even if I succeed in doing it, I have possibly kicked it away, like the dirty laundry one hides somewhere out of sight, but eventually needs to take care of. 

My friends, I am trying to tell you here that I am no 'wise woman' when it comes to worry and stress management. My strategy works for me anyhow. I know that at the end of the day none of these bookwrights will come to my escape to solve my tensions and problems. It will be Me, the tailor-made me. 
My strategy to process it, deal with it in the right proportion works for me, at least most of the times. The one mantra I never forget is - what proportion of my everyday energy would it take, or rightly said, am I ready to let it take. 

Today, I had to deal with it. I did and I am a content person right now. I did not let it take the joy of my daughter turning 11, to fix her party, to make her happy. 
Countless number of times she came to me, as clumsy as her mom, she made the baking a bit of a hassle, but she kissed me and told me how thankful she was and how much she loves me. 
When the 3 of the family made that 'mmmm' sound after tasting the cookies, the feeling was indescribable. 
I am going to live with it for the rest of the day. One day at a time. Tomorrow's proportions will be made tomorrow. 

Mood- from a low to a major high
Lesson- I decide my mood- no one else!
My question to you- What is your strategy?